Getting it wrong
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Mistakes are not identity, they are data — The label we attach to ourselves after a mistake shapes not only who we think we are now, but what we believe we can become.
Honest awareness is the bridge to learning — Without it, mistakes become a prison. With it, they become one of the most reliable sources of growth available to us.
Responsibility is the capacity to respond — It is not the same as self punishment, and the two don’t need to be confused for one another.
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“We often imagine that feelings of unhappiness come from outside us — in our circumstances or the difficult people in our lives. But what if the forces that erode our happiness come from within?”
Click here to listen to the episode from the Hidden Brain podcast.
Made a mistake?
The word mistake carries weight in our culture, but is the weight attributed always the most accurate? At some point, mistakes became evidence of failure — moments to be concealed, forgotten, and quickly moved past. We have often been conditioned to respond to them with embarrassment, self-criticism, and a subtle internal narrative shift about what we are capable of.
In truth, mistakes are inevitable. They are built into the structure of being a human who is trying just about anything at all. The person who has not made recent mistakes is not always more evolved or capable, but they might be better at playing smaller games where perpetual success or wins are always the result of their interactions. The quality of life may not be determined by whether or not we make mistakes, but rather how we meet them when they arrive.
Today, we take a look at our relationship with mistakes and discover what is available to us when we meet unexpected results with curiosity, like a scientist, and recognize that within challenge lies greater wisdom.
The Prison of Identity
What I intend to offer up here is a perspective on how mistakes can often be rolled into our identity, in inappropriate ways. Often if we make a mistake, we might respond by making it a statement about who we are (i.e. I am not the kind of person who can do this, I always mess up, I know this would happen because this is who I am). Are these judgments actually true?
At times, these identity statements can be conclusions drawn too quickly and once in place they not only shape how we see what has happened, but what we believe we are capable of in the future. The label of failure not only describes this moment, but is also begins to spill into the next one. This can establish a frame through which we interpret everything that comes next and we might even stop trying.
When we examine our mistakes as data, we create a metaphorical window as opposed to a wall. We don’t deny that something went wrong, but we also don’t define ourselves by it. We can allow a mistake to be metabolized, as opposed to frozen into a self concept.
Spiraling out
So what exactly is going on in the mind when we tip into self condemnation? Brené Brown’s research on shame has shed light on this process, and notates that this feeling stems from a deep belief that “I am bad because of what I did.”
This feeling, doesn’t often motivate growth, rather it paralyzes us and drives us to hide away, defend, and disconnect from ourselves and others. When we are in this state, it’s challenging to think about what we can do better next time — rather we are considering how to make the feeling stop, which usually involves a combination of avoidance and withdrawal from the areas of life where the mistake occurred.
CBT offers complementary language for the mechanics of this spiral. In my work, I often call out cognitive distortions, that tend to amplify mistakes, as a way to encourage clients to observe the maladaptive nature of their current thinking patterns (i.e. thinking that will not lead to an evolution or growth).
To name a few:
Catastrophizing, turns a solvable problem into an irreversible disaster.
Personalization, turns a shared situation into our fault, entirely.
All or Nothing Thinking, turns a single misstep into total failure.
We might not be able to always prevent these common thinking traps from showing up, but we can learn to notice them, name them, and respond to them differently.
You might notice this in your life as:
The mistake at work that you are regarding as indicative of your competence, in its totality
The habit you tried to change and didn’t, that becomes proof that you cannot grow
The health or financial goal you abandoned that becomes evidence of your character, rather than information about your approach
The Bridge of Honest Awareness
If you do not look honestly at what happened, you cannot learn from it. Likewise, if you only look through the lens of self-criticism, you cannot learn from it either. The path forward requires honest, non-judgmental awareness. A clear and compassionate look at what occurred, what contributed to it, and what might be done differently.
When we observe a mistake clearly, without avoidance or piling on, we might feel regret, sadness, guilt, or discomfort. These feelings are not to be escaped, but within them might lie personal insight about how to move forward. In this moment, responsibility arises. Honest ownership and genuine self compassion can exist together as you acknowledge what has occurred and recognize your capacity to respond.
Easier said than done, I know, but that is why the practice is beneficial.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Meeting mistakes with awareness
Practice over perfection
This week, you can practice with developing a new relationship with mistakes, if they arise. Take a look at the reflection questions and strategies below, and practice what resonates with you.
Reflection Questions:
What labels do you attach to yourself in the aftermath of mistakes?
What do you think would happen if you met a mistake with non judgmental attention? Do you think that’s too passive? Do you think that accountability solely means harsh criticism?
What wisdom might lie within your mistakes?
Strategies:
Separate the behavior from the self
If a mistake arises this week, practice distinguishing between what you did and who you are. Instead of “I am irresponsible”, try, “I did something that was not in alignment with the responsibility I want to carry.” This is an incredibly small rhetoric shift that can make a difference between data you have received and an identity that you claim for yourself.
Look with meditative awareness
If a mistake arises, set aside a few minutes to simply observe what occurred. Refute the urge to judge or defend, simply sit with it and contemplate: what actually happened, what contributed, what is this inviting me to notice. Allow the feelings to come, that may, without pushing them away. Sitting in stillness with a challenging situation can feel very difficult, and if continually practiced can enhance greater intentionality in the future.
Choose one specific response
Once you have taken a moment for reflection, choose one specific action that reflects what you have learned. This is not a self improvement project, just focus on one intentional response. Allow the data discovered to become growth in ways that feel meaningful to you and your current context.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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The Library
Check out my favorites, organized by genre, and read along with me!
A Listen for the Week
As I continue to consume relevant content, I will share it here to deepen knowledge, perspective, and inquiry on a variety of topics related to wellness. This week I am sharing an episode from the Hidden Brain podcast (one of my favorites). Enjoy!
Why Am I Unhappy?
“We often imagine that feelings of unhappiness come from outside us — in our circumstances or the difficult people in our lives. But what if the forces that erode our happiness come from within?”
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