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Revenge bedtime procrastination is far more common than we realize — It is not a sign of poor discipline. It is a human response to a day that did not feel like our own.
Beneath the pattern is a longing for time that feels like ours — Understanding this need, rather than shaming it, is the beginning of a different relationship with our evenings.
Reclaiming time is possible without sacrificing sleep — The real work is finding ways to honor the longing earlier in the day, so that night does not have to carry all of it.
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“Sleep is your life-support system and Mother Nature's best effort yet at immortality, says sleep scientist Matt Walker. In this deep dive into the science of slumber, Walker shares the wonderfully good things that happen when you get sleep -- and the alarmingly bad things that happen when you don't, for both your brain and body. Learn more about sleep's impact on your learning, memory, immune system and even your genetic code -- as well as some helpful tips for getting some shut-eye.”
Sound familiar?
It’s 11:47 at night and you feel like you should have been sleep an hour ago. You know that when the alarm goes off in the morning, you might regret this (i.e. scrolling on your phone, watching “one more episode”, reading one more article, scheduling one more email, just about anything other than what your body is asking for — sleep.)
If this describes you, know that you might not be undisciplined or poorly motivated. Rather, you are potentially experiencing a common pattern situated within modern life, revenge bedtime procrastination. This term describes the decision to stay up later than we should, often doing something leisurely with the knowledge that it will cost us sleep. It’s something that we often recognize intuitively, and we quietly say to ourselves, “The day did not belong to me, so the night will.”
This term gained widespread attention in Western media (originating from a chinese phrase that translates roughly to retaliatory staying up late), in 2020 as the pandemic collapsed boundaries between work and home for so many people, and brought this pattern into sharp focus. As conditions have shifted, the pattern still remains alive and we might continue to feel this pull with no clear understanding of why we keep making the same choice, for some night after night.
Today, we examine our relationship with our evenings, with curiosity (not judgment), and consider what shifts when we meet our true needs in ways that do not cost us the sleep we need to live our lives effectively.
So what’s happening beneath these recognized patterns?
Though the behavior can seem like a failure of self control, there are other factors to examine.
Dr. Floor Kroese, a dutch psychologist, published foundational research on bedtime procrastination in 2014, defining it as the pattern of going to bed later than intended without any external reason preventing an earlier bedtime. Her research framed the behavior within the larger literature on self regulation, noting that it is associated with lower overall wellbeing.
What has become clear over the years since, is that this isn’t only a pattern associated with will power, but rather the psychological need for autonomy that often cannot be met during the structured, demanding hours of a modern day.
In an earlier Mindful Monday on motivation (Click to Read: Cultivating Motivation), I referenced Self Determination Theory developed by Deci and Ryan. This theory notes that autonomy is one of the three foundational psychological needs underlying human motivation and wellbeing. When autonomy is chronically limited (i.e. obligations, schedules, demands, responses to others needs), our bodies and minds seek out ways to restore it. For many of us, the easiest available time to feel like our time is ours is late at night — when everyone has gone to sleep and nothing is being asked of us. This is why this pattern can feel so difficult to change. It’s not truly about what are we doing at night, but the fact that this might feel like the first moment all day that is actually ours and ours alone.
You may recognize this in your own life as:
A sense that you cannot go to sleep yet because you haven’t yet had time for yourself
A sensation that the sleep you need is somehow in competition with the life you want to live
A frustration with yourself in the morning, followed by the exact same pattern the next night
If these sound familiar, your body and mind might be asking of you to fulfill a legitimate need — time that is yours.
What does this pattern cost us?
The science on what sleep deprivation does to us is unambiguous. Sleep deprivation and mental health have consistent and significant links — and you can use your own patterns to observe this and recognize how you feel with 6-8 hours vs 3-4.
Insufficient sleep is linked to:
Higher rates of anxiety and depressive symptoms
Impaired emotional regulation
Reduced cognitive function
Decreased capacity for empathy and social connection
Compromised immune function
The irony of revenge bedtime procrastination is that we are reaching for autonomy in a way that undermines the capacity that autonomy was meant to serve. The late night reclamation of time costs us energy, clarity, and emotional range that would allow us to actually shape the days that we are living.
The path forward is about meeting the real need in a way that does not demand such a costly trade.
Reclaiming Time
Let’s turn towards possibility.
The longing underneath revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t wrong. A life organized around the needs of others, external demands, and scheduled obligations is not always a life that feels like your own. The question is not whether to honor this, but how.
The real work happens earlier in the day. It happens when: you protect a small window of time because you don’t want the evening to be the only option, you say no to one obligation this week, or you honor your need for pauses throughout the day.
The way forward is to build autonomy into your life more broadly, so the night is free to be what it was meant to be, a time for restoration. This is not just an encouragement to go to bed earlier — this might always fail, not because of will power, but because it ignores the underlying need. If the only place in your life where you feel autonomy exists is after 10pm, then giving up that window can feel like giving up autonomy. Back to square one.
Think about this cyclical pattern in alternative ways:
The chronically overworked person who solves for depletion by signing up for a weekend productivity course, that depletes them on the weekend
The financially stressed person who copes by making unplanned purchases, increasing the financial stress they were trying to escape
Your work is most effective when it addresses the underlying needs you carry.
Off The Page: Actioning the Insights
Reclaiming your nights
Start now
This week the practice is to begin addressing the real need underneath revenge bedtime procrastination, rather than simply trying to go to bed earlier through force of will. Take a look at the reflection questions and strategies below and notate what resonates with you.
Reflection Questions:
What is the moment in your day that feels the most like yours?
What do you need that you have not been giving yourself space for?
What has potentially poor sleep been costing you?
Strategies:
Claim a small window of autonomous time earlier in the day
Choose a small block of time (15-30 minutes) that belongs entirely to you. Not for errands or obligations. Put it on your calendar if you need to, and commit to filling this space with what you desire, a space filled with your own choices and interests.
Create a conscious transition between day and night
Rather than letting the shift from a busy day to sleep happen through sheer exhaustion, build in a small wind down ritual. This can be incredibly brief and can be filled with activities that usher in a slower, more relaxing pace to the day.
Examine the sense of time scarcity
At some point this week, ask yourself, “Where is the sense that I have no time of my own actually coming from?” Is it the structure of your current life? Is it the expectations you have absorbed about what you should be doing? Is it something that you can begin to shift, even slightly? The pattern of revenge bedtime procrastination often reflects a larger imbalance to be discovered.
Where is the sense that you have no time of your own actually coming from?
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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Extras
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● New Reads in The Library
My book club and I are currently reading, What I Couldn’t Tell My Therapist by Michelle M. May. Click the link below to read along with us.
From the author:
“What I Couldn’t Tell My Therapist is about how we silence ourselves to protect those we love and thus do violence to ourselves. We hurt ourselves in invisible ways. And what we cannot see, we cannot change. Reading this book might be emotionally challenging. As it helps you explore your own hidden inner processes, it will stir up and reveal unseen worlds — This book illuminates the concealed patterns of our anxiety and defenses, revealing the hidden sources of our suffering.”
Explore the Shop
Presence is often supported by the things we surround ourselves with. I've partnered with two brands that create products to support everyday well-being. Explore the links below to view their catalogs and see what resonates with you.
Soothing, slightly weighted, pre-shrunk materials that provide comfort and calm as you take on your everyday.
Exceptionally crafted tools to support your meditation practice.
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