Holding On and Letting Go
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Holding on takes effort. So does letting go — Both are active, and understanding which one you are currently investing is an honest question to pose to yourself.
The past is not a verdict — It is a chapter. The story we tell about what happened shapes not only how we understand who we are, but what we believe we are capable of becoming.
The authentic state underneath both holding and releasing is awareness itself — It is spacious enough to hold what has been, without being defined by it.
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“We often imagine that feelings of unhappiness come from outside us — in our circumstances or the difficult people in our lives. But what if the forces that erode our happiness come from within?”
Click here to listen to the episode from the Hidden Brain podcast.
A message from the past
Many of us carry elements of our past with us into the present moment. We often narrate stories about who we are because of what has happened, what is possible for us based upon circumstances that we have lived through, and we might recognize that an old identity is still informing choices now without our conscious consent.
The question I am pondering today alongside you: Is the effort in holding on, or is the effort in letting go? Letting go can often feel like a challenging process, however we imagine it will show up, but there is also effort in cyclically repeating beliefs or behaviors — potentially to similar ends or conclusions, with a true desire for something different.
Today we examine our relationships with the past and shed light on what is being held by you, and what might feel like it is holding you in place.
Stories we exist within
The past can often feel permanent due to how our sense of self is being constructed.
Narrative Identity Theory proposes that our sense of self is an authored story that integrates our past experiences into a coherent sense of who we are, how we got here, and where we are going. Noted by Dr. Dan McAdams, this story is editable. Though we cannot change what we have experienced, we can adjust the meaning that we assign to it, and the role that it plays in our ongoing self identification process. The story is not fixed, but it can feel that way if we have been narrating it a certain way for extended periods of time.
Research on memory consolidation pairs well with these findings. Contemporary neuroscience reveals to us that the brain doesn’t exactly store memories like a computer stores a file. Rather, each time we revisit a memory we have the ability to rewrite it (i.e. our current context, emotional state, and perspective all subtly influence how memories continue to be encoded).
This does not mean that we can simply reframe the pain away, but it does illuminate the impact and malleability of our stories that we narrate, that have real consequences on our here and now.
Research on Post Traumatic Growth
When discussing the past, and re-authoring a new story I turn to the notion of Post Traumatic Growth. Tedeschi and Calhoun have conducted research that demonstrates that difficult experiences, when engaged intentionally, can become catalysts for meaningful psychological development (click here to view the text I often refer to in my work with clients — “Post Traumatic Growth in Clinical Contexts”).
Post traumatic growth is not something that is inevitable, nor something that just happens to everyone who experiences adversity. Research on trauma sheds light on the notion that growth is possible and is significantly shaped by how we relate to what has happened. When individuals develop deeper self understanding, closer relationships, a greater appreciation for life, and a more defined sense of meaning and purpose — this does not mean they have been spared from pain, actually the opposite. They have engaged with their pain in ways that have allowed it to transform as opposed to harden.
What does it mean to let go?
“Letting go” can often be misleading if not handled with care.
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, rushing past feelings, or spiritual bypassing which uses the language of release to avoid the true emotional work of being with what is there. Any invitation that asks of you to deny what you have experienced is avoidance dressed up with different language.
Genuine letting go can actually feel like leaning in, in some respects. It is the identification of, and the gradual loosening of, narratives that we have constructed around the experience of perceived pain. It is the recognition that the energy that we spend maintaining our current relationship with the narrative, can be redirected toward a different kind of engagement with our own history.
Often referenced in Buddhist traditions as equanimity, this quality describes the balanced awareness that we can employ that neither clings to our experience nor pushes it away. This is not about detachment nor indifference, but rather the capacity to be with what is, in a way that encourages the past to be acknowledged. From this place of acknowledgement, we can receive gifts from our experiences, weight can be set down, and we might even realize that awareness is our truest state — whereas judgment, positive or negative, imposes consequences based on what lens we are observing our experiences through.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Inquiring into holding and releasing this week
Noticing what you are carrying
This week, your practice is to bring honest inquiry to your relationship with your own past, and to being noticing where the effort of your attention is actually being spent. Take a look a the reflection questions and strategies below and notate what arises for you.
Reflection Questions:
What narratives are you currently holding from your past?
What elements of your story need to be revised?
Strategies:
Name one story that you have been carrying
Choose a narrative about yourself that has been shaped by past experience. Something you believed about who you are, what you are capable of, or what is possible for you. Name it clearly for yourself, not to argue against it, if you disagree with what it is sharing, but rather to being calling your attention to what is operating beneath the surface.
Examine the cost
Once you have named the story, ask yourself honestly what this story costs you. What have you not tried because of it? What have you allowed yourself not to want? What have you not let in because the story would not permit it? At times, taking a deeper look at the cost of our narratives generates the willingness to direct our effort in new directions.
Practice equanimous attention
At some point this week, sit quietly for a few minutes and bring elements of your past, your narrative, into awareness without trying to change it. Simply hold it in attention and notice the pull to grip onto or immediately release. This is a practice in awareness, not immediate change. I often find that spaces of quiet contemplation are the foundation of intentional choices to follow, choices that are in alignment with our needs. Notice what arrives for you.
Is the past a static projection of who you can be, or is the future as expansive as you want to create it?
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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The Library
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A Listen for the Week
As I continue to consume relevant content, I will share it here to deepen knowledge, perspective, and inquiry on a variety of topics related to wellness. This week I am sharing an episode from the Hidden Brain podcast (one of my favorites). Enjoy!
Why Am I Unhappy?
“We often imagine that feelings of unhappiness come from outside us — in our circumstances or the difficult people in our lives. But what if the forces that erode our happiness come from within?”
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