Meeting Conflict
Leaning in when conflict finds us
Conflict always seems to find us, even if in small passing moments. Think about the comments from your partner that land wrong, or a misunderstanding with a friend that lingers longer than it should, or even a difference in values that quietly reshapes how you see someone that you care about.
In a sociocultural climate where tension feels amplified, it can be easy to interpret disagreement as danger. Being surrounded by narratives that frame difference as division, can at times seep into our most intimate relationships and create tension.
Today, we will spend time reflecting on what happens and what can be created when two humans with different histories, nervous systems, and perspectives attempt to coexist. These everyday conflicts can become training grounds for how we show up in our world that is full of difference and diversity.
Can we meet conflict with grounded curiosity rather than reflexive defense?
Why this can feel so personal?
Conflict activates the nervous system — when we perceive threat, even relational threat, our bodies can shift into protective states. Polyvagal Theory (🔗) suggests that cues of rejection, criticism, or misunderstanding can trigger fight, flight, or shutdown responses. In other words, perceived conflict can cause us to raise our voices, withdraw emotionally, or become rigid in our thinking.
This happens not because we are flawed, but because connection matters deeply to us as people. Research on attachment exemplifies that we are wired for belonging and when conflict arises, the body can often interpret it as a rupture in relational safety. From this perspective, the impulse to defend ourselves is an attempt to preserve connection or self integrity.
At a cognitive level, there are a few processes that make conflict feel intensified:
Attribution Bias — We assume negative intent in others while excusing our own behavior as circumstantial, overemphasizing personal traits and disregarding situational factors
Cognitive Fusion — We become entangled with our interpretations and experience them as absolute truth
Conflict can also ignite broader narratives about power, identity, or belonging. The way that we have been socialized to communicate, express emotions, and assert needs, all influence how conflict unfolds. When two people are in conflict with one another, what we are really witnessing are lifetimes of sociocultural conditioning meeting one another in vivid complexity. Recognizing this allows us to approach conflict with greater humility.
When conflict becomes constructive
Not all conflict is harmful, even if it can feel challenging to manage or sit with. The presence of conflict is not the primary predictor of interpersonal distress, but rather how the conflict is met and navigated determines the outcome.
Constructive Conflict includes:
A regulated nervous system
Willingness to repair after rupture
Curiosity about the others perspective
When individuals remain grounded, conflict can lead to:
Clearer boundaries
Greater mutual understanding
Expanded capacity to respect difference
Conflict can become an opportunity for greater connection as opposed to fragmentation of relationships — it reveals the middleground where two perspectives can coexist. Leaning into curiosity in these moments does not mean avoiding hard truths, but rather, holding the intention to understand with the same value that you hold being understood.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Responding from a grounded place
Experiment with expansions in the face of conflict
This week, use intentional curiosity to expand in the face of conflict as opposed to feeling constricted. Leaning into curiosity does not mean abandoning your viewpoints, but rather staying connected to your values while extending openness to another individual who is also navigating their own fears, histories, and values. Take a look at the strategies below and experiment with what resonates deeply with you and your life.
Pause and Regulate
Stay in awareness of your physiological cues (i.e. elevations in heart beat, tensing throughout the shoulders and chest). Before allowing yourself to engage further when conflict shows up, take a moment for regulation — something as simple as a deep breath, a restorative stretch, or a brief moment of stillness. These moments are impactful as conflict is more challenging to navigate from a state of overwhelm.
Separate intent from impact
Acknowledge that impact matters. At the same time, consider that another persons intent may not align with the meaning you assigned to their behavior. Take a moment for a clarifying question, “Can you help me understand what you meant when you said that?”. This small step can reduce bias and invite a deeper dialogue.
Get curious about projections
When conflict intensifies, ask yourself, “What am I trying to protect right now?” It might be your sense of worth, autonomy, belonging, or fairness. Consider that the other person is likely trying to protect something as well. Curiosity shifts the dynamic from adversarial to collaborative.
Conflict will remain a part of our shared human experience. The invitation here is not to eliminate is, but to meet it with steadiness, intentionality, and clarity.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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Explore the Library
I am currently reading The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt with my book club. This text takes a look at an epidemic of mental illness, that the author relates directly to how children are raised in contemporary times. [Insert your favorite joke about screen addicted generations here lol]
A listening companion for those interested in “The Anxious Generation”:
Did social media break a generation — or just change it?
Serendipitously enough, as I was reading, I came across a interview with the author on TED Radio our on 2/20.
“Is tech reqiring childhood or exposing what’s already broken? Johnathan Haidt, Catherine Price, and a Gen Z advocate debate social media bans, attention and what “fun” looks like off-screen.” (⚡50 min listen)
If you want to read along with us, feel free to snag this title from My Library to add to your own + feel free to share your thoughts with me!
If you are anything like me . . .
You might not just read one title at a time. If so, you can check out another book I am currently reading (and enjoying) — Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin.
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