Is this a sanctuary or a prison?
What walls have you erected?
Each of us carries ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves. Maybe you’ve found safety in pulling back when life feels overwhelming, turning down the volume on emotions, or creating distance from others when closeness felt unsafe.
In those moments, these strategies were sanctuaries — sacred spaces that allowed you to survive, to breathe, and to find enough steadiness to keep moving forward. And yet, over time, what once offered refuge can begin to feel restricting. The sanctuary can harden into a prison, keeping us from trust, connection, and the possibility of growth.
Digging Deeper
From a trauma-informed lens, these responses are not flaws but adaptive strategies the body and mind used to reduce harm. Avoidance, vigilance, and numbing reflect resilience, yet through repetition they can become default patterns long after the danger has passed. In time, protection can shift into limitation, keeping us from new healing experiences. This isn’t about blame — it’s an invitation to notice where old strategies no longer serve us and to explore the capacities we may now be ready to build.
Compassionate Inquiry (🔗)
Building new ways of relating to ourselves takes time and requires positive experiences that rebuild trust in our ability to live differently. Compassionate inquiry can support this process by inviting us to meet ourselves with curiosity rather than judgment. Through this lens, our patterns are not personal failings but wise strategies we once developed to endure.
Take a look below at these examples and notice what resonates for you:
Avoidance
After being hurt in a part relationship, you may avoid dating altogether. At first this creates safety from potential rejection, but over time it keeps you from experiencing the healthy love and companionship that could exist in partnership.
Compassionate Inquiry: What safety did withdrawal grant me and what would be possible if I allowed myself to safely and slowly re enter connections?
Hypervigilance
Growing up in a home where conflict escalated quickly, you have learned to scan every environment for signs of danger. This once kept you safe, but now shows up as constant tension in the body, making it hard to relax, trust, or feel present with loved ones.
Compassionate Inquiry: When did my body learn that vigilance was necessary and does enough safety exist here and now to soften this response?
Numbing
After experiencing a painful loss, you rely on work, substances, or endless scrolling to dull emotions. This once softened the intensity of grief, but now it limits your ability to feel joy, intimacy, and authentic connection.
Compassionate Inquiry: How did this protect me from overwhelming pain and what amount of feeling might I be ready to allow in?
Isolation
If you grew up feeling unsafe with others, being alone might have been the only way to find peace. As an adult, this pattern can lead to loneliness, missed opportunities for support, and difficulty building a flourishing community.
Compassionate Inquiry: How did solitude support my survival and where might connection feel nourishing rather than threatening in my life today?
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Cultivating the courage to create new possibilities
Breaking Free
This journey isn’t about tearing down the walls that once protected us, but about learning when it’s safe to open a door. In doing so, we reclaim sanctuary as a place of restoration — not confinement — and create pathways toward post-traumatic growth, resilience, and connection. Take a look below for strategies to action where you need them most:
Honor the role of protection
Begin with gratitude for the ways your strategies have supported survival. Recognize them as necessary adaptations to soften shame and open space for change.
Practice discernment
Reflect on what coping strategies feel like supportive pauses and which feel like barriers to the life you desire.
Building capacity
Conduct micro experiments with trust. Begin with leaning into relationships where safety exists, affirm where agency and autonomy exist, and engage curiosity when your body sends you signals that something is off.
Expanding your definition of safety
Consider that safety can include not only a retreat, but also stepping into restorative connections and experiences that foster growth.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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