The Flaws of Self Esteem
Self Esteem — a myth busted.
Many of us were raised in a society with the message that the key to psychological health is strong self esteem. We’re told to believe in ourselves, celebrate our achievements, and feel proud of who we are. In many ways, this advice carries wisdom as feeling good about yourself can support confidence, motivation, and resilience.
At the same time, there is a quieter truth about this concept that often goes unspoken: self esteem is frequently built upon comparison.
Self esteem asks us to measure ourselves against standards (e.g. achievement, attractiveness, productivity, social approval) and then decide we are “doing well enough” to deserve feeling good about who we are. In subtle ways, this creates a psychological contract with the world around us: I feel worthy if I meet the standards placed before me.
When life is going well, this system works beautifully. When it is not, we can be left feeling as though our sense of self has now become instantaneously unstable.
“Know your own happiness.”
Jane Austen
The Psychology of Esteem vs. Compassion
Self esteem, at its core, is an evaluation of the self. It asks, “How good am I compared to a standard?” At times the standard is internal, but more often it is shaped by the world around us (i.e. cultural expectations, professional success, social feedback, and the unspoken comparisons we make with others).
Kristen Neff, known for her research on self compassion, highlights an important distinction between esteem and compassion. Self esteem often depends on external validation or achievement, whereas self compassion offers a stable foundation for relating to ourselves regardless of circumstances. In her work, Neff describes how many of us unconsciously absorb messages from the environments that we inhabit. They often sound like…
“You will feel good about yourself when you meet these expectations. You will feel worthy when you achieve these outcomes.”
These expectations may come from families, workplaces, cultural ideals, or social media comparisons. When we meet them, self esteem rises. When we fall short, it drops. This creates a subtle treadmill of sorts, one where our sense of worth can feel contingent on continuously meeting evolving standards.
Self compassion offers up a different orientation. Rather than asking, “Am I good enough according to this standard?” self compassion asks, “How can I meet this moment of challenge with care, understanding, and honesty?” Self esteem can fluctuate with success and failure, whereas self compassion provides steadiness in times when life becomes difficult.
This does not mean that self esteem is inherently flawed or harmful. Pride, confidence, and accomplishment can be meaningful parts of our human experience. The challenge arises when our emotional stability becomes dependent on maintaining those standards. Without realizing it, we may find ourselves running a race, continually striving to earn the right to feel okay about who we are.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Shifting from evaluation to compassion
Pivot where the moment requires
The invitation here is not to abandon self esteem entirely, but to recognize the limits of building our sense of self solely on external measures and to cultivate a deeper internal orientation rooted in compassion. Self compassion allows us to hold our humanity with greater flexibility — acknowledging that we succeed at times, fall short at others, and that neither outcome needs to determine our worth. This week, I encourage you to practice these small pivots and recognize what shifts for you.
Take note of the standards that you are measuring yourself against
Take a moment this week to observe the subtle ways you evaluate yourself. Are you comparing your productivity, appearance, relationships, or accomplishments to external expectations? Taking note of what you recognize can create space between you and the pressure to constantly measure up.
Practice responding to yourself as you would a friend
When someone you care about struggles, reflect on what you openly offer up to them. Is it patience? Understanding? Encouragement? Maybe love? Practice with extending this kindness inwards in moments of challenge or comparison.
Normalize the human experience
Take space to notate the common aspects of the human experience. We all experience challenge and we all make mistakes — reminding yourself of this notion can soften the isolation that comparison often creates.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
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Explore the Library
I am currently reading The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt with my book club. This text takes a look at an epidemic of mental illness, that the author relates directly to how children are raised in contemporary times. [Insert your favorite joke about screen addicted generations here lol]
If you want to read along with us, feel free to snag this title from My Library to add to your own + feel free to share your thoughts with me!
A listening companion for those interested in “The Anxious Generation”:
Did social media break a generation — or just change it?
Serendipitously enough, as I was reading, I came across a interview with the author on TED Radio Hour on 2/20.
“Is tech rewiring childhood or exposing what’s already broken? Johnathan Haidt, Catherine Price, and a Gen Z advocate debate social media bans, attention and what “fun” looks like off-screen.” (⚡50 min listen)
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