Your Relationship with Anger
First, we can seek to understand
Anger is an emotion that many of us might have a complicated relationship with. For some it can feel explosive, arriving quickly and leaving a complex trail of words or actions we wish we could take back. For others it might feel a bit more subtle, pushed down, avoided, or redirected until it shows up like irritability, tension, or even withdrawal.
Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum of responses it is important to note that anger itself is not a character flaw, and that our responses to anger gives us insights about what might be lying beneath the surface.
In our typical Mindful Monday fashion, we will seek to understand anger rather than judging it. This can enable a shift in relationship with this emotion and a shift in response when triggered.
What exactly is anger?
Anger is a protective emotion. From a psychological and physiological standpoint, anger often emerges when something important to us feels threatened (e.g. our boundaries, values, or emotional safety). This emotion activates the body’s stress response system, preparing us to respond quickly.
Maybe you have recognized the following for yourself when experiencing anger:
Increased heart rate
Muscle tension
Faster, more reactive thinking
A narrowed focus on the perceived threat
From a CBT informed perspective anger is not just about what happens to us, but the experience of this emotion is also shaped by how we interpret what happens.
If you take a closer look, you will recognize that many people can have many different responses to the same situation and can feel very different levels of anger, based upon their thoughts.
“They disrespected me on purpose.”
“This always happens to me.”
“I shouldn’t have to deal with this.”
These interpretations are often rapid, automatic, and rooted in past experiences. They can amplify anger or sustain it beyond the initial trigger. It is important to note that your anger makes sense when it is experienced, its valid, and it is also influenced by patterns that can be explored and reshaped.
All about you
There isn’t necessarily a “right way” for anger to show up. For the purposes of discussing anger in therapy, I like to consider our adaptive or maladaptive responses to this emotion — meaning, are we creating a pathway to long term sustainable growth (adaptive) or cultivating a short term relief while creating long term problems (maladaptive).
Our relationships with anger are shaped by:
Early Experiences — How was anger expressed or received in your formative environment?
Cultural and Social Messaging — Was/is anger encouraged? Discouraged? Stigmatized?
Learned Coping Strategies — Do you express? Suppress? Avoid? Invalidate?
For some, anger can feel unsafe to express, and for others it can feel uncontrollable when it arises. Neither of these responses are random and deserve our attention as they reveal patterns that have been reinforced over time — patterns that were adaptive at some point (maybe not anymore) and were developed for some reason.
The focus in discovering your relationship with anger is to become more aware of:
What triggers it
How it moves through your body
What thoughts tend to accompany it
How you typically respond
Awareness is what creates choice to respond differently when externally triggered. Our work is to interrupt automatic and reinforced loops between the trigger and the reaction.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Working with anger this week
Focus on practice, not perfection
This week, the practice is conceptually simple (yet not always easy) — notice your anger, create space to understand it, and respond with intention. Use the practices below to create a space of awareness over your responses to recognized triggers.
Track the thought beneath the feeling
Explore what you are telling yourself about the current situation. Consider whether your thoughts are absolute (“always”, “never”), personal (“This is about me”), or assumptive (“I just know their intent”). You are not invalidating your feelings, but rather expanding perspective.
Create a response gap
Anger urges immediate action, but the fact of the matter is that not all circumstances require immediacy. When you feel anger arising in response to a situation, try: delaying your response, taking a walk, or writing out what you want to say before saying it. These simple practices give you a chance to shift from reactions to responses.
Identify the underlying need
Anger often points to something deeper. Ask yourself: “What is my anger trying to protect or communicate to me?” Don’t rush an answer — at times sitting with uncertainty, with grace, can allow for deep insights to emerge.
Anger is not the problem — it’s our relationship to it. When we move into curiosity, anger shifts from something that seemingly controls us to something that informs us.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
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The Library
Currently me and my book club are reading, “I Who Have Never Known Men” by Jacqueline Harpman. Click the link below to add this title you your library and read along with us!
A Read for the Week
As I continue to consume relevant content, I will share it here to deepen knowledge and inquiry on a variety of topics related to wellness.
How reading books regulates your nervous system by Anne-Laure Le Cunff
Books don’t just stimulate the mind — they trigger physiological changes throughout the body.
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