Offering Impactful Support
Why are you drowning the Horse?
Have you ever watched someone that you care for struggle and felt an almost visceral urge to fix their problem? If the answer is yes, you are human like me, but let’s explore further to develop different perspectives on what support truly means.
We might feel an urge to offer advice to those struggling with something, to give them direction, reassurance, or even solutions. We tell ourselves that this is support (and it might be in some cases), but often in our rush to relieve pain (ours and theirs) we cross a subtle line — we stop supporting and start forcing them to follow a particular path that we have ascertained is best for them.
This week we dive into perspectives on support using a familiar phrase and a valuable question: Are you “leading the horse to water” or are you drowning it, metaphorically speaking?
When support becomes a strategy to escape discomfort
The saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” speaks to autonomy. What this metaphor doesn’t offer up is an explanation of what happens when we are lingering at the waters edge, potentially anxious, frustrated, and impatient — and if the metaphorical horse doesn’t drink we might even push harder, apply pressure, increase urgency. When thinking of supporting others this metaphor offers us an inside look into the difference between support and control.
Psychologically speaking, this impulse of control has less to do with the other person’s readiness and more to do with our own discomfort with unresolved pain. Watching someone struggle activates empathy, but it can also activate anxiety, perceived helplessness, and a deep desire for resolution. In other words, telling someone what to do can momentarily soothe us, giving the illusion of impact, clarity, and control.
A trauma informed lens
Trauma informed care reminds us that learning, growth, and integration cannot be forced. The nervous system requires safety, choice, and pacing to metabolize pain into insight. When advice is offered prematurely, it can overwhelm, shame, or disconnect us from the very person we hope to support. Instead of expanding capacity, we may contract it.
This does not mean that pain is “good” or something to romanticize, yet it does carry information. When someone is allowed to sit with discomfort, in the presence of compassion and non judgmental awareness, it can expand tolerance, build agency, and foster self trust. Both of these truths can exist together: pain is hard and pain can teach.
An eastern philosophical perspective
What I am describing here is not new, rather eastern traditions describe this through the lens of cause and effect — not as punishment but as a natural unfolding. When we are buffered from every consequence or rushed towards solutions we don’t yet understand, we miss the learning that naturally arises from lived experience.
Sticking with the metaphor today: Thirst teaches the body what water means.
Support, then, is not about eliminating pain on someone else’s timeline, path, and journey. It’s about being present without hijacking the process.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Supporting and not controlling
Who is the support for?
“Drowning the horse” often looks like urgency disguised as care, repetition disguised as concern, and direction disguised as wisdom. True support respects timing, and it trusts that insight arrives when someone is ready to receive it.
“Leading the horse to water” is an act of love. Waiting (without pressure nor expectation) is an act of respect.
This week I encourage you to experiment with the following practices below to discover how support of those you care for could look different and potentially more impactful.
Practice with Pausing
When someone shares a struggle, notice the immediate impulse to fix. Before responding take a moment and ask yourself: “What do they need right now, guidance or presence?
Sometimes the most regulating response is simply, “That sounds really hard. I’m here with you however this might unfold.”
Offer up exploration, not pressure
Instead of direction, lead with curiosity.
This can sound like: “Would you like my thoughts, or do you just want to be heard?” or “I have an idea. Let me know if now is the right time to share.”
Choice restores agency and a sensation of safety.
Reflect on your own discomfort
When supporting others, its valuable to have an understanding of our own internal landscape — if not, our beliefs (overt and repressed) can be projected outwards inadvertently.
Try this journaling prompt this week: “What discomfort in my life might be teaching me something I’ve been trying to bypass?”. Approach the answer to this question with curiosity, not judgment.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
Use the link below to schedule a consultation or forward this newsletter to a friend!
● I am asking for your support!
Adria Moses @ The School of Radical Healing
I’d like to pause this week to highlight someone very special to me — my friend Adria. She’s preparing for surgery as part of her ongoing healing from Crohn’s Disease and is seeking communal support along the way.
If you feel called, I invite you to learn more and consider supporting her journey below!
ADRIA — MOSES
“I’ve lived with Crohn’s Disease for most of my life. It’s invisible, unpredictable, and exhausting, and this January I’ll be having another major surgery. This time, I’m choosing to do it differently. I’m asking for help. I created a GoFundMe to support my healing — the time I’ll need to rest, the cost of care, and the essentials that make recovery possible.
I know I can’t do this alone. Every donation, every share, every word of encouragement makes a real difference.”
Extras
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● New Reads in the Library!
Click the link below to explore my latest read, My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem!
My favorite books in this season of my life all explore the human experience from multiple perspectives. This can be in the form of non-fiction, or fiction from a perspective that reveals a creative exploration of the worlds that we can create in our mind.
If you have a recommendation for me — send it my way in a response to this email or contact me via the link in the navigation bar!
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