When Urgency becomes Avoidance
What’s the rush?
Urgency itself is not a problem. In many areas of our lives, its useful and even necessary. It helps us respond to deadlines, make decisions, and move through challenges with momentum.
But when it comes to healing emotional wounds, urgency can take on a different role. For many of us, the rush to “fix” emotional discomfort isn’t about productivity — it becomes, “How quickly can I get out of this feeling?!” This isn’t because the feeling is bad or wrong, but because being present with discomfort has historically felt overwhelming, unsupported, or unsafe.
In this context, urgency becomes less about efficiency and more about avoidance.
Why being present with discomfort builds capacity
Psychologically speaking, our ability to tolerate discomfort isn’t something that we either have or don’t. Rather, it is a capacity that develops through experience.
When discomfort arises and we immediately move away from it (consistently), the nervous system learns that this sensation was threatening. This reinforces urgency to “fix” or “get rid of” as a default response. Alternatively, when we remain present with discomfort in small, manageable doses, our brain receives new information: This feeling is uncomfortable, but I am not in danger.
Over time, these moments of being with discomfort expands our window of tolerance. The nervous system becomes more flexible, less reactive, and better able to manage uncertainty. This is why practices that involve gradual exposure, distress tolerance, and mindful awareness are effective — they allow the system to build resilience without being overwhelmed.
This is not a process of forcing yourself to endure pain, rather choosing presence at a pace your system can handle and getting curious about the things that dysregulate you. Capacity grows through consistency, not intensity.
Off The Page: Actioning The Insights
Where are you willing to build capacity?
Building capacity in small doses
This week, I encourage you to notice moments when emotional discomfort arises and the urge to fix, distract, or avoid shows up. When you notice this, practice the strategies below.
Name the pattern without judgment
When discomfort arises, notice the impulse that follows it and name the pattern courageously to create spaciousness without the need for immediate reactions. (e.g “This feels uncomfortable and I want it to go away)
Common signals of avoidance can look like: a sudden urge to scroll on your devices, pressure to “figure it all out” immediately, or a desire to numb sensations fully.
Practice staying with the breath
When you notice the urge to escape discomfort, experiment with tracking your breath for 5 minutes or less.
Pay close attention to the sensation of the full inhale and full exhale. Once your desired timer is up, choose your next step intentionally. This practice teaches your body to withstand discomfort that does not present immediate danger to your safety.
Return to your body
When discomfort feels abstract or overwhelming, return to the body by: pressing your feet gently into the floor, or place a hand over your belly or heart as you breath.
These practices ground the physical body and encourage presence without needing to analyze or fix what you are feeling.
Encouragement for the week
As we step into the new year, I invite you to think of change not as something to create instantly, but as a set of gradual practices to cultivate over time. The life you’re building unfolds through patience, repetition, and presence — not urgency.
As you move through this week, my encouragement is to be gracious with yourself, stay connected to your inner experience, and move at a pace that honors your body, mind, and growing capacity to meet life’s unpredictability. I hope this start to the year feels intentional, grounding, and aligned with what matters most to you.
Thank You
Thank you for joining me this week! I’m excited to keep sharing insights from my work, research, and personal journey with you.
Did something resonate with you? Curious about applying these strategies in your life? Or know someone who might benefit?
Use the link below to schedule a consultation or forward this newsletter to a friend!
● I am asking for your support!
Adria Moses @ The School of Radical Healing
I’d like to pause this week to highlight someone very special to me — my friend Adria. She’s preparing for surgery as part of her ongoing healing from Crohn’s Disease and is seeking communal support along the way.
If you feel called, I invite you to learn more and consider supporting her journey below!
ADRIA — MOSES
“I’ve lived with Crohn’s Disease for most of my life. It’s invisible, unpredictable, and exhausting, and this January I’ll be having another major surgery. This time, I’m choosing to do it differently. I’m asking for help. I created a GoFundMe to support my healing — the time I’ll need to rest, the cost of care, and the essentials that make recovery possible.
I know I can’t do this alone. Every donation, every share, every word of encouragement makes a real difference.”
Extras
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● New Reads in the Library!
Click the link below to explore my latest read, My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem!
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